You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
