Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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