Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He passed out mid-signature
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize