this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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