I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
