he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
