I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
