i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
