I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You can't just leave with hair like that
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
