my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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