The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
