My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
