Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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