genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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