My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
