i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
