I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
