be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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