Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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