Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
