I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
