im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
