you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
