jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
