the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
