Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Randomize
