my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
