I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
