Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
