sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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