so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
