Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
