he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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