Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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