I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
