this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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