Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
