So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
