Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize