The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize