Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize