dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
