he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
this hospital has no fireball
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
