Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i love accidental penises.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
