He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Pappa wants mamma naked
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
