Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
