That's when you crack a 10am beer
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
