Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
