Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize