someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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