I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
