I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
How does one acquire holy water?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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