And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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