On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think I am morally bankrupt
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
