my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Can you bring me the toilet please
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
