Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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