I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
pray to the hookup gods
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
