you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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